On Fighting and Fights

-I have long been an expert on this particular subject. In fact, I have never lost a fight. With one exception, and that wasn’t my fault. The guy rolled a five, A FIVE!, casting a globe of lightning, and then immediatey followed it up with a three, which was a finishing move. Apart from fictional role-playing based fights, I have a litte experience with actual physical duels. Here I will offer what little advice I have on the subject. First, it is important to always start the fight with the element of surprise. Feel free to liquor-up your opponent before initiating the duel. I suggest smiling, acting natural, then sucker-punching the guy. Next, keep your distance. Remember they can’t hurt you if they can’t reach you. If they try to get close keep them at bay with your right-jab. Mix in a few left-hooks to keep them on their feet. Finally, if you’re in a pinch and can’t seem to get out without fighting dirty, reveal your sword and/or knife. You don’t actually have to use the blade, just let them know you have it then walk away. If they try and pull the old reveal-the-blade stunt on you, reveal your pistol. If they take out a rifle you take out a grenade, and so on until both of you are inevitably carrying Nuclear Missle launch codes. My last tip is not to rub your victory in your vanquished foe’s face. Remember, they can choose to attack again at any moment.

              -That is all.

-This is a Lorenz attractor, a geometrical representation of chaos. The strange origins of this shape can be derived from the convection currents of heated gases which follow oddly chaotic paths. If anyone would like to inform us of anything else about it (yes, it does look rather like a butterfly) or just shout out conspiracy theories about it, I would be happy to post your comments.

             -That is all.

On Testing, Test Taking, and Tests

-Tests are designed, or so their designers claim, to see if you possess enough knowledge on a subject. Personally, I find the whole matter rather insulting. You sit down, fill in a bunch of bubbles based on cryptic questions, then have some unnamed expert analyze your answers. Who is “the professor of English at Harvard” to tell me that I have “a passive voice.” What the hell does that even mean? The only thing worse than actually sitting down and taking the test is the long period of mind-numbing waiting while the slow person desparately tries to race through the last 45 questions. The following is a list of activites that can help occupy you while you wait in silence.

1.) You can play with your pencils. I suggest you also bring a big eraser to support the pencil triangles you will inevitably try to get standing.

2.) You can pretend you’re having a staring contest with one of your fellow test takers. (Note: this sometimes has unforseen results, such as unwanted friendships.)

3.) You can do as the test proctor always suggests and check your answers. However, everytime you check your answers you should expect to change at least three correct answers to wrong answers.

4.) You can cough over and over again to try to get the test proctors to think you’re cheating. (This is especially fun if one of your fellow test takers catches on and starts changing their answers based on your completely random coughing.)

I hope these suggestions help to occupy you.

            -That is all. 

On Trampolines

-I have long distrusted people who own trampolines. The trampoline is perhaps the most dangerous item any person would willingly agree to jump on. I have repeated my anti-trampoline speech to thousands of people, and everyone who I have spoken with on the subject gives me the same blank stare. Once, in Ontario, after giving my speech to a friend who owned a trampoline he replied, “You have no idea.” I asked, “How could the pluses of moving vertically faster and higher than usual possibly outweigh the cons of serious injury and possible death?” After the ensuing blank stare he said, “We do way more than just jump up and down.” I pondered this and said, “What are you doing on your trampoline then? Trampoline laser tag? Trampoline knitting?” Needless to say we are no longer friends.

-I have studied the affects of trampolines on the human mind extensively. I believe that the frequency and altitude of the jumps disrupt normal blood flow to the brain, causing a sort of “Trampoline Trance.” I have witnessed countless people have their trampolines broken underneath their very bodies. Some of these people have suffered serious injuries when they hit the ground, but they never seem concerned about their condition. “Is the trampoline okay?” they ask, “Do you think they can fix it?”

            -That is all.
 

On Volume

-I do not believe that the most convincing argument is the loudest. In fact, I do not think I am alone in the practice of tuning out noises of a certain volume. I’ve never been quite sure what motivates loud people to break the normal volume level, but I do know quite a bit about these enigmatic beings. For example, loud people often own loud vehicles. I believe a loud mode of transportation says a lot about a person’s personality. A motorcycle says, “I’m louder than is necessary, and I’m proud of it.” I think that people who buy motorcycles probably realize that they’re going to be bothering everyone on their street. The difference between these people and other people is that these people think to themselves, “but who could possibly be bothered by me?”

             -That is all. 

On Escape pods

-Recently I was flipping through the channels on my televion device when I found an interesting action movie on. It was one of those action movies that you can often find at night when you’re awake with insomnia. In this particular movie, right as the action hero is about to break through the wall of gaurds protecting the room that the evil mastermind has retreated to, the evil fiend launches himself out the roof in his handy escape pod. This led me to wonder, how many times can a villain use an escape pod and still have it maintain its dramatic nature? For example, if the villain used his escape pod only to find that his nemesis had somehow been able to join him on the vehicle could he then launch off into another escape pod? how long could this continue? After pondering the question for some hours I decided that the maximum nuber of escape pods was two. And it would take a really impresive actor to pull off the evil mastermind who got away in two escape pods.

               -That is all.    

On Werewolves

-As mentioned in the small article on the side bar, Werewolves, and more importantly the infected humans who serve as hosts to the beasts, are largely outcasts of our modern society. The scientifically named Homo Lupus are shunned to the forests and abandoned castles of the world. However, Werewolves are only active for a period of about three days around a full moon. To help you avoid any Werewolf attacks I have included a list of full moon dates for 2008 and 2009 below.

Full Moon dates 2008
Year	Month	Day	Time	Day of week
2008	Jan	22	13:36	Tue
2008	Feb	21	03:32	Thu
2008	Mar	21	18:41	Fri
2008	Apr	20	10:27	Sun
2008	May	20	02:13	Tue
2008	Jun	18	17:32	Wed
2008	Jul	18	08:00	Fri
2008	Aug	16	21:18	Sat
2008	Sep	15	09:15	Mon
2008	Oct	14	20:04	Tue
2008	Nov	13	06:19	Thu
2008	Dec	12	16:39	Fri
Full Moon dates 2009
Year	Month	Day	Time	Day of week
2009	Jan	11	03:28	Sun
2009	Feb	9	14:51	Mon
2009	Mar	11	02:40	Wed
2009	Apr	9	14:58	Thu
2009	May	9	04:03	Sat
2009	Jun	7	18:13	Sun
2009	Jul	7	09:23	Tue
2009	Aug	6	00:57	Thu
2009	Sep	4	16:05	Fri
2009	Oct	4	06:11	Sun
2009	Nov	2	19:15	Mon
2009	Dec	2	07:33	Wed
2009	Dec	31	19:15	Thu

 

-I hope this helps. Please send me any reports of Werewolf sitings that fall outside of the three day range around one of the above dates so I may update this post.

             -That is all.

On Concealed Weaponry

-One of my fortes has long been concealed weaponry. Of course the only more effective means of damage than a weapon is a hidden weapon. This convenient chart measures the two most important attributes of a concealed weapon. The first being “coolness” and the second being “effectiveness.” I do not think either necessitates any further explanation.

Concealed Weapon	Coolness*	Effectiveness
Sword cane	80%	60%
Cane gun (semi-automatic)	87%	77%
Umbrella sword	83%	54%
Umbrella gun (semi-automatic)	85%	78%
Cane gun (fully automatic)	89%	80%
Umbrella gun (fully automatic)	95%	90%
Dual bladed umbrella sword	92%	69%
Sword cane (poisoned)	88%	90%
Umbrella sword (poisoned)	89%	90%
Throwing stars	83%	64%
Poisoned throwing stars	88%	88%
Poison dart shooting cane	95%	93%
Poison dart shooting umbrella	93%	90%
Hidden nunchucks	90%	87%
Umbrella flamethrower	100%	100%

* Add 5% if used by someone wearing a trench coat or cape*

-Feel free to send me any necessary additions, I will make the change as quickly as possible.

      -That is all.

On losers

-I was originally fearful of starting a weblog. I was under the impression that only “losers” read weblogs and I did not want any “losers” reading my thoughts. That would be uncomfortable to say the least. I have now decided that it is worth the risk. In conclusion I would like any “losers” who are reading this post to: close the page now, destroy their computer(s), and give the link to my blog to someone at least three times cooler than them.

             -That is all.

On “Writing”

-Writing has long been a fascination of man. Some have gone so far as to say there is such a thing as a writer’s high. This of course extends from the fact that in the past cocaine was used to line the pages of the tomes which monks wrote in, and keep them from sticking to sweaty monk hands. In an attempt to experience a more natural form of this “writer’s high” I have decided to start this weblog. I will make posts as often as I can. I hope any reading this blog are satisifed with my thoughts. I can’t handle any more rejection.

          -That is all.