On Trampolines

-I have long distrusted people who own trampolines. The trampoline is perhaps the most dangerous item any person would willingly agree to jump on. I have repeated my anti-trampoline speech to thousands of people, and everyone who I have spoken with on the subject gives me the same blank stare. Once, in Ontario, after giving my speech to a friend who owned a trampoline he replied, “You have no idea.” I asked, “How could the pluses of moving vertically faster and higher than usual possibly outweigh the cons of serious injury and possible death?” After the ensuing blank stare he said, “We do way more than just jump up and down.” I pondered this and said, “What are you doing on your trampoline then? Trampoline laser tag? Trampoline knitting?” Needless to say we are no longer friends.

-I have studied the affects of trampolines on the human mind extensively. I believe that the frequency and altitude of the jumps disrupt normal blood flow to the brain, causing a sort of “Trampoline Trance.” I have witnessed countless people have their trampolines broken underneath their very bodies. Some of these people have suffered serious injuries when they hit the ground, but they never seem concerned about their condition. “Is the trampoline okay?” they ask, “Do you think they can fix it?”

            -That is all.
 

On Volume

-I do not believe that the most convincing argument is the loudest. In fact, I do not think I am alone in the practice of tuning out noises of a certain volume. I’ve never been quite sure what motivates loud people to break the normal volume level, but I do know quite a bit about these enigmatic beings. For example, loud people often own loud vehicles. I believe a loud mode of transportation says a lot about a person’s personality. A motorcycle says, “I’m louder than is necessary, and I’m proud of it.” I think that people who buy motorcycles probably realize that they’re going to be bothering everyone on their street. The difference between these people and other people is that these people think to themselves, “but who could possibly be bothered by me?”

             -That is all.