On Fighting and Fights

-I have long been an expert on this particular subject. In fact, I have never lost a fight. With one exception, and that wasn’t my fault. The guy rolled a five, A FIVE!, casting a globe of lightning, and then immediatey followed it up with a three, which was a finishing move. Apart from fictional role-playing based fights, I have a litte experience with actual physical duels. Here I will offer what little advice I have on the subject. First, it is important to always start the fight with the element of surprise. Feel free to liquor-up your opponent before initiating the duel. I suggest smiling, acting natural, then sucker-punching the guy. Next, keep your distance. Remember they can’t hurt you if they can’t reach you. If they try to get close keep them at bay with your right-jab. Mix in a few left-hooks to keep them on their feet. Finally, if you’re in a pinch and can’t seem to get out without fighting dirty, reveal your sword and/or knife. You don’t actually have to use the blade, just let them know you have it then walk away. If they try and pull the old reveal-the-blade stunt on you, reveal your pistol. If they take out a rifle you take out a grenade, and so on until both of you are inevitably carrying Nuclear Missle launch codes. My last tip is not to rub your victory in your vanquished foe’s face. Remember, they can choose to attack again at any moment.

              -That is all.

On Testing, Test Taking, and Tests

-Tests are designed, or so their designers claim, to see if you possess enough knowledge on a subject. Personally, I find the whole matter rather insulting. You sit down, fill in a bunch of bubbles based on cryptic questions, then have some unnamed expert analyze your answers. Who is “the professor of English at Harvard” to tell me that I have “a passive voice.” What the hell does that even mean? The only thing worse than actually sitting down and taking the test is the long period of mind-numbing waiting while the slow person desparately tries to race through the last 45 questions. The following is a list of activites that can help occupy you while you wait in silence.

1.) You can play with your pencils. I suggest you also bring a big eraser to support the pencil triangles you will inevitably try to get standing.

2.) You can pretend you’re having a staring contest with one of your fellow test takers. (Note: this sometimes has unforseen results, such as unwanted friendships.)

3.) You can do as the test proctor always suggests and check your answers. However, everytime you check your answers you should expect to change at least three correct answers to wrong answers.

4.) You can cough over and over again to try to get the test proctors to think you’re cheating. (This is especially fun if one of your fellow test takers catches on and starts changing their answers based on your completely random coughing.)

I hope these suggestions help to occupy you.

            -That is all.